Coping Mechanisms of Codependents of Alcohol Addiction

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Control, low self esteem, compliance, and denial are the usual coping mechanisms of codependents of alcohol addiction.

Three Unhealthy Messages in Dysfunctional Homes

Codependency is a pattern of habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms.  Codependency is usually a result of living in a home with a person who suffers from alcoholism or from drug dependency.

In these "dysfunctional homes," there are three messages that are not explicitly stated but nonetheless, reinforced everyday by unhealthy behaviors, actions, and beliefs.  These three messages are:

• Don't feel
• Don't talk
• Don't trust

In healthy, functional families, all members feel free to express their emotions, talk to one another, trust one another, and they fell free to tell the truth.  Living in an unhealthy environment where family members feel as if they have to continuously "walk on egg shells," however, leads to anxiety and tension.  In fact, stress levels and feelings of anxiety increase in such dysfunctional homes due to the rigid and inflexible rules, norms, and beliefs that are imposed on family members who are, in many respects, "held hostage" in the current family arrangement.

In many situations characterized by these dysfunctional living conditions, the result is that the codependent person or persons develop habitual self-defeating ways of coping in order to survive.  If this vicious cycle is not broken, the co-dependents eventually become out-of-touch with their own emotions.

The Addiction of the Codependent Person

Ironically, the codependent person also becomes "addicted."  In this instance, however, it is not an addiction to a harmful substance, but rather to a destructive pattern of relating to other people in the dysfunctional household.  

Due to the fact that the co-dependent eventually looses touch with his or her emotions, the co-dependent bases his or her self-worth and behaviors, not on his or her own feelings and actions, but rather on the opinions, needs, moods, and actions of the person who is an alcoholic or chemically dependent.  

Paradoxically, these harmful relationship patterns, in many instances, are perpetuated even after the alcoholic or chemically addicted person becomes sober or "clean." 

Certainly, when viewed from the outside, sobriety in the household would seem to lead to a less chaotic domestic situation.

When viewed from the inside, however, the codependents may be more depressed and unhappy than ever because the earlier balance, no matter how damaging or detrimental, has been upset. 

Coping Mechanisms Usually Employed by Codependents

The following is a list of the coping mechanisms typically used by codependents.  Under each method of coping, examples are provided.

Denial

• I deny, change, or minimize how I truly feel.
• I have a difficult time knowing what I feel.
• I deny my own needs and feelings in the name of being unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.  

Low Self Esteem

• I do not see myself as a worthwhile or lovable person.
• I value others' approval of my feelings, actions, and thinking over my own.
• I do not ask others to honor my wants or desires.
• I have a hard time making decisions.
• I feel self-conscious when I receive positive strokes or gifts from others.
• I critically judge everything I say, do, or think as "not good enough."

Compliance

• I value the opinions and feelings of others more than my own.
• I turn to sex when I want love.
• I am afraid to express my own opinions and feelings, especially if they are different.
• I am loyal to the point that I stay too long in destructive situations.
• I do not assert my own values and integrity in order to avoid the anger and rejection of others.
• I am overly sensitive to how others feel and adopt what they are feeling as my own.
• I ignore my own interests and desires in order to do what others want.

Control

• I go overboard with favors and gifts for people I care about.
• I freely offer suggestions and advice without being asked by others.
• I become resentful when others refuse my help.
• I use sex to get acceptance and approval.
• I have to feel that I am needed before I can have a relationship with others.
• I try to persuade others how they "should" think and feel.
• I believe other people are not capable of taking care of themselves.

Coping Mechanisms of Codependents of Alcohol Addiction: Conclusion

Codependency is a pattern of habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms that is usually the result of living in a home with someone who is a drug addict or an alcoholic.  In these "dysfunctional homes," there are three messages that are not explicitly stated but nonetheless, reinforced everyday by unhealthy actions, beliefs, and behaviors:  don't talk, don't feel, and don't trust.  Compliance, control, denial, and low self esteem are the typical coping mechanisms of codependents of alcohol addiction.

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